Conquer Your Fear: A Leader's Guide to giving Confident Feedback

Giving negative feedback is usually put in the too hard basket by most leaders. Whether it be during obligatory performance reviews or after a specific event, we tend to shy away from giving feedback to avoid the uncomfortable situation it puts both giver and recipient in. Managers are often worried about upsetting people’s feelings or receiving a harassment complaint if feedback isn’t given in a delicate or ambiguous way.

So how do we remove feedback avoidance and provide genuine and actionable feedback for our staff? Based on my career as a leader in the public service, this is how I tackle feedback with staff.

Don’t wait

Don’t wait for a 12-month performance cycle to come around and don’t delay it until your meeting already scheduled for next month. I have had staff disagree on something I witnessed them do 10 minutes ago so there is little chance that people will be able to contextualise specific feedback you are giving them from 10 months earlier.

Remember to praise in public and criticise in private. Don’t stop people in the middle of a meeting to give direct feedback but make sure you follow up with them as soon as possible. We likely delay giving negative feedback because most of us are socialised to avoid potential confrontations in the workplace. However, the longer you leave it the harder it is for both of you. Especially if they ask for examples that you can no longer remember. This goes for positive feedback as well. Don’t hold onto all of the positives until the 12 months but constantly talk negatives or you will ostracise your team.

Be specific

As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” If you need a specific action or improvement from someone, then you need to tell them. By beating around the workplace bush you might increase their stress and anxiety as they attempt to decipher your cryptic messaging. Alternatively, they may completely misread your comments as praise and continue in the same way without realising they are underperforming. Kim Scott outlines the benefits of Radical Candour to support staff achieve growth. Being unclear in your feedback is a result of what she refers to as Ruinous Empathy which results in staff be ignorant of their own areas for improvement.

Provide specific examples to help articulate your point. This will help them contextualise your feedback. You can also provide examples such as your corrections to their work so that they can understand the changes that you are asking for. Saying ‘this is terrible. Try again,’ provides no context. Instead highlight a total of 3 key areas for them to focus on so they don’t become overwhelmed. If there are rules, guidelines or regulations that they aren’t meeting, offer formal training or documentation outlining the requirements.

Ask for their opinion

Often feedback is seen as a supervisor telling a staff member where they went wrong. Instead, use coaching questions that guide them through some self-reflection to assess their own performance and what they could have done differently. Remember feedback is still only your opinion (or passing on the opinions others have shared with you). You are not going to have all the answers so stop expecting yourself to.

A feedback discussion is a great opportunity to guide people to understand their own strengths and weaknesses and potential areas of professional development. Instead of sharing your views and expectations, start with asking them how they think they performed, what they did well and what they could do differently next time. If they are unsure or unable to identify the improvements required, guide the conversation gently by sharing your observations, expectations and suggestions for improvement.    

Finding the positive for the feedback sandwich

Have you ever filled in a survey where you couldn’t find anything to add to the ‘one thing we are doing well’ question but had a long list of areas for improvement? It is hard to articulate the positives in feedback because they barely register in our conscious mind. Eric Flemming calls focusing on the negative the “Purple Elephant Paradox”. When we focus on the negative that’s all we can see, the same as saying ‘don’t think about purple elephants’ and then that’s all we can think about.

The feedback sandwich is a feedback technique that leaders have been using for decades. The problem is how do you find the positive in amongst the negative points that your brain is focusing on? Practice makes perfect. If you are giving regular feedback and public praise as we discussed above, you will be in the practice of calling out the positives for people. It will be difficult at first for you to train your brain to see both pros and cons in peoples work, so start with the public praising so that it because second nature. Then you will be able to find the positive, negative, positive parts of the feedback sandwich.   

Potential areas of positive feedback:

• If people are working on a skill they haven’t yet mastered you could comment on their progress.
• Highlight their unique knowledge, viewpoint or experience that benefits the team.
• You don’t have to come up with something new each time. What positive feedback could you reiterate from a previous conversation.
• Repeating someone else’s praise.

Give actionable advice.

The Business Harvard Review found that women are more likely to receive ambiguous feedback than men. While men will be told specifically the steps or actions required to achieve an outcome or their career aspirations, women are more likely to receive commentary on their personality and behavioural traits with no tangible way of improving. Most commonly, women are told to ‘just be more confident’ without any support or guidance on how to do so or understanding of a person’s level of confidence in the first place. Both men and women are guilty of this gender bias in giving feedback.

If you are going to provide feedback to someone, have 2 or 3 options in mind that you could share with them as to how to achieve the result you are looking for. Not all actions are going to be suitable for every employee. If one option is to travel interstate and gain experience in another team, make sure there is a reasonable, alternate option for people who can’t travel on short notice or for long periods of time due to personal commitments. This is not a test of their ambition, commitment or loyalty.

Provide support where required. 

I once received feedback that my leaders had “not given me the opportunity to develop into an effective employee” 6 months after a promotion. I was a little taken aback at first as I was not aware that I was ineffective. However, that was the end of the feedback. There was no insight as to why I was ineffective nor what they were going to do to support me to become effective at that level. The one additional piece of advice I received was – you guessed it – that I needed more confidence.

As a leader we are there to guide and direct the work and development of our team members. If we expect them to develop a skill in a certain area, we need to back up our requirement with support for them to do that. This could be formal training, help to arrange a mentor, suggestions on books or self-learning, as well as ongoing feedback as they work on this skill. By backing up your feedback with actions to take, you are giving people ways to action your feedback. Choose options that are within your budget and scope but remember a supported employee is a loyal employee.

“Train people well enough so they can leave, treat them well enough so they don't want to.” Sir Richard Branson

It’s not about you.

If the feedback doesn’t go as planned and let’s face it, it rarely does, don’t take it personally. People are people and they are going to react in unexpected ways. They may get defensive, aggressive, upset, dismissive. All of these are defence mechanisms to cover how they are really feeling. Getting feedback is more uncomfortable than giving it as the recipient is perceived to be in a position of inferiority. Often, they are ashamed or embarrassed and feel that you think they weren’t up to the task. A range of biases, conscious or unconscious, against you can also impact how they respond. For example, a younger female giving feedback to an older, more experienced male will often receive a dismissive or aggressive response. This could be based on his personal expectations that he should have her job or he knows more than she does.

I have had staff walk out during feedback discussions, had bullying complaints and been told that they ‘had never been told that before so it must be a you problem not a me problem’. The best piece of advice I received abut managing a difficult conversation was that ‘just because it didn’t go well doesn’t mean you didn’t do it well’. At the end of the day you are talking to a person and their response is more likely a reflection of them than it is on how well you did. You are never going to get the conversation perfect. Instead, learn from every feedback conversation to continue to develop it as a skill.

Create a feedback loop

The best way to build resilience in the face of feedback for your team is to introduce a feedback loop. By offering them an opportunity to suggest areas where you could support them better or communicate differently this builds rapport and shows that feedback is not something to be ashamed of. It opens lines of communication and gives you some insight as to how to motivate and provide feedback to them in future. Asking their opinion on your professional development may seem counter intuitive to the leader and subordinate organisational structure. When done in an appropriate context, it can be quite insightful. I recommend avoiding bringing the feedback loop in where the conversation or relationship has broken down as it will only incite insults.

There is no one right way to give feedback, everyone you talk to will be different so don’t expect what works with one person to work with everyone. Keep a growth mindset to continue to learn from your experiences and don’t get discouraged when feedback doesn’t go to plan. Feedback is important in the workplace, and you are doing yourself and the people you work with a disservice if you avoid it. 

Suggested reading:

Brene Brown - Dare to Lead

Eric Fleming – Don’t Think About Purple Elephants 

Kim Scott - Radical Candour

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