Unravelling the Psychology of how Women Think: How Societal Conditioning Impacts Confidence

If you haven’t seen the Barbie movie, you may have at least seen the iconic America Ferrera monologue from it about how women are ‘expected to behave’ floating around on social media.  

In the ever-evolving landscape of gender equality, it's essential to take a step back and examine how these opposing norms are placed on us as women. From a young age, girls are subtly but profoundly influenced by societal norms, expectations, and traditions. Let’s talk about how this can impact us as adults and how we can move past these socialised beliefs about ourselves that are holding us back from career success. If Barbie isn’t your thing another iconic dialogue worth checking out is Camille Rainville’s 2017 blog entitled Be a Lady They Said that was made infamous by Cynthia Nixon’s reading of it in 2020.  

Early Expectations of Being 'Good' and Pleasing Others

As children we are sponges, soaking up cues from our immediate environments, allowing early socialisation to subtly reinforce gender norms and expectations in our minds. A particularly pervasive message that girls often receive is the imperative to be 'good' and to please others. In many families, girls are encouraged to be polite, obedient, and nurturing. They are praised for their compliance and for putting others' needs before their own. While instilling values of empathy and kindness is certainly laudable, these lessons are often more directed at young girls than boys and can have a significant impact on how we behave as adults.  This early conditioning can create a dichotomy where girls learn to prioritise others' happiness and suppress their own desires. These messages can also inadvertently cultivate a fear of disappointing or upsetting others. The desire to be 'good' and to please often leads to a reluctance to assert ourself or voice our opinions for fear of rocking the boat. These learned tendencies often persist into adulthood, impacting our ability to advocate for ourselves with confidence in the home and workplace. The consequence of such early socialisation can manifest in adulthood as a diminished sense of self-worth and a tendency to prioritise the needs of others over our own, sometimes to the detriment of personal growth, health and self-fulfilment. It is essential to recognise and challenge the thoughts patterns it has created in order to shift our own mindset and cultivate authentic confidence
and self-empowerment in ourselves.

Gender Roles and Stereotypes that are taught in Schools

All around the world, when provided the opportunity for an education, young girls are subtly guided towards certain roles and aspirations, often rooted in traditional gender stereotypes. Teachers may consciously or unconsciously favour certain behaviours or discourage others based on gender, perpetuating the notion that boys should excel in math and science while girls are expected to excel in the humanities and more 'nurturing' subjects. For example, research by Eccles et al. (1999) has demonstrated that girls may receive less encouragement to pursue STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) fields, where they are still significantly underrepresented in 2023. This lack of encouragement can foster a sense of self-doubt and discourage young women from exploring fields they may be genuinely passionate about, thereby limiting their career options and opportunities for career success. Recognising and challenging these biases within the educational system is vital to promoting gender equality and fostering self-assurance and empowerment in female students.

The Reinforcement of Conventional Gender Roles: Are We Our Own Worst Enemy?

As women, we are often just as or even more active in upholding gendered expectations and behaviours than men, judging each other when someone steps outside the accepted norms. In social settings, whether consciously or unconsciously, we have a tendency to encourage each other to conform to these conventional gender roles. A woman who chooses a career over motherhood often faces judgment or scepticism from her female peers, who may question her priorities or choices. This is where the term to ‘have it all’ was created to ‘help’ women balance both career and family ambitions, which has instead left us burnout and overwhelmed while the majority of the men still only focus on career and not supporting their partners to manage family priorities.

Research by Williams and Dempsey (2014) underscores the dilemma faced by women who aim to balance their careers and family lives. These expectations can create a sense of inadequacy and guilt, particularly when women feel they are falling short in either role. Moreover, societal pressures can discourage women from taking on leadership roles or pursuing career opportunities that may challenge traditional gender roles. The need to maintain harmony within their social circles can sometimes lead women to downplay their ambitions or take on less demanding roles, inadvertently holding themselves back from reaching their full potential. Friendships and support networks, while invaluable, can sometimes perpetuate the status quo, nudging women towards a more limited vision of what they can achieve.

Unhelpfully, the media often depicts women in traditional domestic roles or as passive, nurturing figures. Even strong female characters are often shown to have a softer side to build engagement and empathy with audiences. Unsatisfied with what roles were on offer, actors such as Reese Witherspoon and Margot Robbie have set out to direct and produce movies that are realistic, inspiring and putting women’s values at the forefront of the story.

The deep-seated nature of these expectations highlights the need for continued conversations and efforts to challenge them. We need to have open dialogue and support one another in pursuing non-traditional paths in order to break free from these expectations and fostering a more inclusive and diverse society. The first step is to recognise the socialisation of young girls and the impacts it has on our adult lives. By acknowledging and challenging these norms, we can collectively empower each other to be true to ourselves, regardless of societal conventions.

Navigating Career Expectations and the Gender Pay Gap

Career choices and aspirations are deeply intertwined with societal expectations for women, often having significant impacts on our confidence and decisions. We often find ourselves facing a delicate balance between pursuing professional ambitions and conforming to traditional gender roles in the home and at work.

While Australia has made strides in promoting gender equality in the workforce, the gender pay gap remains a persistent issue. Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) reveals that as of May 2023, women in Australia were earning approximately 13% less than their male counterparts, on average. This was put on the world stage most recently with the Women’s World Cup hosted in Australia. Lower wages and sponsorship deals for female football players was excused by FIFA and team officials as not as many people were interested in watching women’s sport. Instead the teams played to sell-out crowds and smashed viewer ratings both in Australia and globally raising the question about gender pay inequality in sport more forcefully.   

The wage disparity can deter women from pursuing certain career paths or leadership roles, impacting self-confidence and professional aspirations, and setting them up for financial difficulties if  and when they are divorced or retired. This leads to many women staying in less than ideal relationships for fear of financial stress if they leave. If you are suffering from physical, emotional or financial abuse please reach out to your local support provider.

Moreover, ambitious women who exhibit assertive or competitive behaviours in the workplace may encounter resistance from colleagues of both genders. Research by Rudman and Phelan (2008) highlights the phenomenon of the 'backlash effect,' wherein women who display traits traditionally associated with male leadership may face resistance and even backlash from colleagues. This can lead to feelings of isolation and self-doubt, as women fear (often accurately) that being ambitious and assertive makes them less popular or accepted in their professional circles. In navigating these complex expectations, many women find themselves unintentionally playing small to avoid upsetting those around them.

Women are more likely to make significant career decisions based on the domestic responsibilities and caring arrangements that don’t even exist for them at the time. In her book Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg talked about having young women ask her how to manage the work life balance even though they didn’t have a family yet and weren’t planning on having one for several years. While Sheryl’s book was written a decade ago, during a recent coffee catch up, one of my mentors said that her 17 year old niece and friends were talking about careers they might want to do with flexible work opportunities having a significant impact on their choices so that they can be in a position to support any future family and children while maintaining their career. I doubt the high school boys are having these conversations and planning impactful life choices based off potential arrangements in the future. In addition to the socialisation that happens as young girls, career planning around future family responsibilities will continue to delay movements towards gender pay equality as women are already talking themselves out of certain careers and roles before they have even started in the workforce.  

Navigating these complexities requires not only self-confidence but also a support system and a change in workplace culture. Encouraging women to pursue careers aligned with their passions and talents, irrespective of traditional gender expectations, is essential. Additionally, workplaces must foster an inclusive environment that values diverse leadership styles and encourages women to be assertive without fear of backlash. By addressing these issues and advocating for equal pay and equal opportunities, we can empower women to pursue their career aspirations with confidence and authenticity.

Breaking the Mould: Finding Career Success as a Woman While Staying True to Yourself

In a world where societal expectations often attempt to define who we should be, finding career success as a woman while staying true to ourselves can be a remarkable journey. Whether you're navigating traditional gender roles, workplace dynamics, or personal aspirations, breaking free from these moulds can be empowering and liberating. Below are some tips to help you move beyond the socialised mindset
and behaviours to chart your unique path to career success without compromising who you are.

1. Self-Awareness: Know Thyself

The journey to remove this socialised programming from your mindset to set yourself up for career success begins with self-awareness. Take time to reflect on your values, passions, and ambition. Recognise your limiting beliefs and meditate on where they may have come from. Once you recognise them dismiss them as untrue and unhelpful for where you are at right now. Instead focus on what value you bring to different situations. Embracing your authentic self means accepting both your brilliance and your imperfections. It’s not about focusing on what your weaknesses are but instead recognising your strengths and leveraging those to Lean In as Sheryl would say. This awareness will guide you in making choices that align with your true self rather than external expectations.

2. Redefine Career Success on Your Own Terms

Career success is a deeply personal concept, and it can differ vastly from one person to another. Break free from society's rigid definitions of career success and create your own. Is it achieving a work-life balance that allows you to be present for your family? Is it excelling in your career on your own terms? Remember, your version of career success is valid, and it doesn't have to mirror anyone else's. This is the same for any other goals or types of success that are important to you in your personal life as well.

3. Embrace Authenticity in the Workplace

Many women face the challenge of navigating male-dominated industries or corporate cultures that may not align with their values. Don't be afraid to bring your authentic self to the table. Research by McKinsey (2020) has shown that diverse teams, which include individuals unafraid to express their unique perspectives, tend to be more innovative and successful. You do not need to behave like a man, sacrificing time with family and being aggressive in meetings in order to have career success and climb the corporate ladder. Nor do you need to display female specific behaviours, being quietly spoken, passive and overly sympathetic to others. Just be you and focus on your values and own definition of career success.

4. Seek Support and Mentorship

Breaking the mould often requires a support system. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage you. And point out when you might be holding yourself back with a limiting mindset. Seek out mentors, both male and female, who have overcome similar challenges and can offer guidance. Mentorship not only provides valuable insights but also fosters a sense of belonging and confidence.

5. Remove the word confidence from your vocabulary

I often hear women say they just need more confidence, or they aren’t quite ready to take on that challenge, promotion or new job. Just needing more confidence is also the generic piece of advice that women receive the most with no helpful suggestions as to the how or in what context. Unofficially, we are often judging confidence against others, mainly men but also other women who we deem as more confident. There is no official metric by which to actually measure confidence and as they say comparison is the thief of joy. The word confidence is used way to often and we need to stop telling ourselves and each other to ‘just have more’ of it and all our problems will be solved. Remove the word confidence from your vocabulary and stop telling yourself you aren’t ready. Instead say “I can do this” and go give it a try!

6. Be Resilient and Courageous

Championing your authenticity and breaking down barriers in your own mindset may come with difficult hurdles and setbacks. Be prepared to face challenges and remember that resilience and courage are your allies. The road less travelled can be daunting, but it's where you'll discover your greatest potential. Remember to celebrate your mindset shifts, career successes and learn from your failures.

Conclusion

It is crucial to recognise that these dynamics are not a reflection of women's capabilities but rather a response to societal conditioning. By fostering open and supportive dialogues among women and promoting acceptance of diverse life choices, we can collectively challenge these expectations and encourage one another to pursue careers, motherhood, and relationships that align with our true selves, ultimately fostering self-confidence and empowerment. Remember, the world needs your voice, your ideas, and your vision. Stay true to yourself, and you'll not only find success but also make a lasting impact on the world around you.

Notes:

Eccles, E. S., Barber, B., & Jozefowicz, D. Linking gender to educational, occupational, and recreational choices: Applying the Eccles et al. model of achievement-related choices. 1999

Joan C. Williams and Rachel Dempsey. What Works for Women at Work: Four Patterns Working Women Need to Know. 2014

Sheryl Sandberg Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. 2013

McKinsey & Company. Women in the Workplace Report. 2020

Laurie Rudman, Julie E. Phelan. Backlash Effects for Disconfirming Gender Stereotypes in Organizations. 2008